As these things happen, it’s come to

As these things happen, it’s come to the planet’s attention that a pair of Texas college students has been self publishing a not unsuccessful series of dinosaur on girl porno novellas on .

Given that the Internet requires elaborate sex fantasies involving The Price Is Right and the Muppets to even maintain an erection, dino porn seems quasi puritanical. But these books sport outright hilarious art, which juxtaposes a blase stock photo model with a confused CG dinosaur. Here are the 10 best covers. If we’re being evolutionarily sound, the happy raptor up there will likely end up unceremoniously dumping a cloaca full of sperm all over that gal and pass out a good 90 seconds before his cave stereo hits the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight.”

9. Taken by the Pterodactyl

“Dianne is a shepherd, watching over flock of sheep.”

CONSUMER ALERT: Taxonomically speaking, pterosaurs weren’t dinosaurs, so anybody expecting dinosaur porn when they purchased this book WILL NOT be able to get off. We repeat: DO NOT buy this book if you want to masturbate to a story about a dinosaur fucking a shepherd. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.


7. The Balaur’s Delight

“At first Carla hates being violated by the ancient beast, but after a while she begins to enjoy it.”

Why doesn’t anybody spin erotic yarns about all the nice extinct creatures, like I Was Plugged by a Respectful Dodo or A Steller’s Sea Cow Fondled My Jugs With True Emotion?

6. Ravaged by the Raptor

“The beautiful, buxom girl must now tend the farm like the rest of her family, feeding the animals, tending the crops, and protecting their land from hungry predators, like foxes, wolves, and the occasional dinosaur.”

Look, if you’re going to illustrate a macrocephalic velociraptor plowing a busty farmhand, respect the reader and set that shit amidst the waving wheat that sure smells sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain. A locker room just seems so WRONG.

5. In the Velociraptor’s NestKey Blurb: “Azog must use all of her womanly wiles to get out of the cave.”

Wait a minute, that’s the same guy from Running from the Raptor! Is this a sequel? Did he meet these girls at the swinger’s bar on Noah’s Ark? Was there ever a porno parody of Theodore Rex? (If not, everybody tell Cracked majordomo Jack O’Brien we must reroute 90 percent of our site’s operating budget toward such.)

4. Taken by the T Rex

“When the angry T Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.”

Judging from that tyrannosaurus’ expression, he’s not euphemistically “interested” he’s legit aghast that his dinner’s on the cusp of climaxing. His eyes scream, “Look, lady, I know my fossil record, and I am sooo fucking uncomfortable right now.”

3. Taken at the Dinosaur Museum

“The job market was tough, and it couldn’t have been tougher than it was on Kate. She’d been looking forever for a new job, but she couldn’t find one. As she was reading through the paper one day, she came across an ad for a museum looking for a night watchperson. She gets the job and finds herself as a night guard, working for a dinosaur natural history museum. Things there are normal and quiet . until all of the dinosaurs come alive!”

According to , this is a 5,050 word story. We hope 5,041 of those words describe her travails with unemployment in breathless detail and the final nine words are “The dinosaurs came alive. Everybody did sex. The end.”

Kelly awesomness says december 5, 2016 at 7 42 pm i’m writing a story about this girl who has a diary and I need a title

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